"If You Really Knew Me" Part 3: Denver Arts Week

If you really knew me, you'd know that...

...for as much as I try to publicly make sense of the "tough stuff" in my life, I also thrive on celebrating and sharing my adventures and experiences with the creative process.

...although my creativity often stems from feelings of inadequacy, I would never think of trading the artistic side of me (if I were ever given the chance) for even a glimpse of a slightly easier journey. 

...just because maintaining a sense of balance is a daily struggle for me, it doesn't mean that I don't value the concept.

That said, the first few parts of this series were rather serious in nature.  Therapeutic?  Yes.  Balanced?  Not quite.  I believe it's time to lighten the mood a bit and pass along a link to an amazing celebration of passion and creativity, taking place right here in my own backyard.

Check out this fabulous list of events going on during Denver Arts Week (next week!).  If you don't live in Denver...well, sorry about your luck.  If you do, and are interested in checking out an event with me, let me know.  I'll see what I can do.

Enjoy!

-DTL

"If You Really Knew Me" Part 2: Note-to-Self (-Doubt)

NaBloPoMo - Day 2!  

(How's THAT for momentum?)

Speaking of momentum, I realize that a "series" of blog posts is quite possibly the most effective if less than two months pass between posts.  I get that.  What can I say?  It is what it is, my friends.  Meh.

Credit Limit

So.  Let's just say that if I had a nickel for every time I have heard, "You really need to give yourself more credit," I would probably be able to retire at the ripe old age of 32 (yikes...2 months from now).  The words "not good enough"seem to have been permanently tattooed on the back of my brain, and I believe their harsh significance, despite how often people tell me, "Chrissy, you are such a positive and creative person."

Why, thank you, random compliment-givers.  I try my best to be positive.  And I feel the need to be creative to compensate for not quite measuring up.  Case in point:  my teaching career.  I spent two years of my life as a full-time graduate student at UC Denver for elementary education.  I completed my student teaching.  I completed ALMOST all of my required coursework for my teaching license.  Almost.  Almost.  almost.

The word "almost" has become the yin to my self-doubt's yang.  The pod for its peas.  The dark night to MY bright, shiny day.

Since there are 28 more NaBloPoMo days to go, I'll save my explanation on how I've been working toward turning my "almost" moments to "always" triumphs for future November posts.  Stay tuned...

Extra Credit

In an attempt at giving myself props, I'll give myself credit for my note-to-self in Part 1 of "If You Really Knew Me."  In true Chrissy fashion, when I sat down to write this post, I couldn't quite remember what I wanted to focus on in Part 2.  So...I referenced Part 1 and there it was, plain as day.  "Note-to-self (-doubt)".  Great work, Mrs. Richter.  You know yourself well enough to give yourself blatant reminders in an attempt to stay on track.  Numerous other parts of my life might seem completely off-track at the moment (who am I kidding...ALWAYS), but Part 2 of this series?

Credit-worthy.

-DTL

 

NaBloPoMo - Day 1!

I promise...I really haven't forgotten about my "If You Really Knew Me" series.  I have plenty of Thingportants to share this month, including the continuation of the series I began a few months ago.

Yup, I said "this month."  November, 2010.  I've decided to participate in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month), which means I have committed to posting every day for an entire month.  Read about it here if you're not familiar...

Anyway - I know it's not going to be an easy feat, but I've been itching to write lately to process some recent thoughts and experiences, so committing to doing NaBloPoMo this month gave me the perfect excuse to get on it!

NaBloPoM-OH MY...  What have I gotten myself into?  Wish me luck...  (thanks for your support in advance!)

-DTL

(I realize this logo is from 2009...can't find a 2010, and seriously, I don't care enough to find one.  Ha!)

“If You Really Knew Me” Part 1 – Separation Anxiety, Much?

In my last post, the introduction to this “If You Really Knew Me” series, I encouraged readers to stay tuned for Part 1, titled, “Sweet Home…”  And, in true “Chrissy fashion,” I planned to follow up the title with this:

 “…Chicago.”

 Yup, that’s right.

I envisioned using a cheeky reference to the song “Sweet Home Chicago” as an intro to my reflection on the process of moving far away from my hometown.  From my family.  From my friends.  From my history.  From my life.

It would have possibly progressed a little something like this:

“I was born in Chicago.  Grew up in Chicago.  Went to undergrad in Indiana.  Started my post-grad life back in Chicago.  My parents and brothers – born in Chicago.  School – Chicago.  Life – Chicago.  One exception – my older brother – college in Indiana.  Back to Chicago.

Certainly, I’m not the only 30-something in Denver to be considered as a “transplant.”  I’m sure I’m not the first to admit that moving away from “home” to start a new life was really, really, really hard. 

I mean…REALLY.”

Well, a few days have passed since my initial “Chicago-style” brainstorm.  Since then, a more suitable idea (in my opinion, of course) for a theme for Part 1 emerged randomly after chatting to a stranger about dogs.

(Perfectionist, much?)

Stick with me.  It’ll click…

Mark and I walked to the Einstein Bagels in our neighborhood last Sunday and ate breakfast outside on the patio.  As Tucker lounged on the ground next to us, basking in the beautiful Denver weather, a man who was about our age and also had a dog with him asked us,

“Does your dog chew through his leash?” 

Thankfully, we answered,

“Nope.”  

Before we could even explain that he does chew through back doors and entire couches, he followed up with,

“Mine does.  He will chew through an entire leash and break free if we tie him up.  I mean…separation anxiety, much?”

We simply grinned and said something along the lines of,

“Sorry to hear that, man,”

and before we knew it, he was on his way.  We were both thinking to ourselves,

“If you only knew what Tucker’s separation anxiety has done to our house, pal.”

Well, that seemingly insignificant exchange got me to thinking (I know…watch out!).  The contemplative side of me saw an opportunity for reflection on my own experience with separation and anxiety, and the much-more-difficult-to-detect destruction it has unfortunately done to our home.

Separation = anxiety, and so much more

I often have conversations with my best friend about how “we all have our thing.”  Because we do.  We all have something in our lives that we wish we didn’t have to deal with that makes us who we are.  We’re human.  We’re imperfect.  We learn and grow and evolve through the process of how we handle said “things.”  I like to call them thingportants.

You could be a struggling single parent.  Or have a chronic illness.  Lost your job, perhaps.  Made a life-changing decision.  Maybe you recently lost a loved one.  The list goes on. 

From this list, many of us seem to have generated quite a collection of thingportants.  Plural.  Mucho.  Many.  More than one.  To the extent that if you can only count your thingportants on one hand, there might be something seriously wrong with you.

Well.  For me, it took a move to Denver for my thingportants to surface high enough to where I had no choice but to take notice. Separation from the comforts of “home” was enough to kick them into overdrive.  They’ve been there, deep down, but I never really could quite put my finger on exactly what they were.  I was, however, aware of "The King of My Thingportants," who had a little voice who constantly whispered to me ever since I could remember,

“You can’t,”
and  
“You’re clearly not good enough!”    

I’m just now figuring out (hence the purpose of this series), that this person -- voice, crown and all -- is (and always was)…

…me.

Here's me.  King of My Thingportants.  My own worst enemy

Note-to-self (-doubt)

If you really knew me…

…you’d know that the phrase, “and at the end of the day…” bothers the living daylights out of me.  Sure, it’s popular right now, but at the end of the day, it will fall by the wayside.  Just you wait.

…you’d also know that I consider another hot phrase of the moment, “(insert word here), much?”, i.e., “separation anxiety, much?” or “sarcastic, much?” makes me chuckle just as much as, say, “Thanks, Captain Obvious!”

…you’d know that Part 2 of this series will probably focus on self-doubt, because I sometimes like to use my quirky sub-headings as creative reminders. 

…you’d know that it’s possible that a future post in this series might include a mention or two of ADHD, because you’d know I also need lots of reminders.

...you'd know that it's killing me right now that I didn't say "focus on ADHD" because I pretty much never pass up a chance to make up a fun pun.  I absolutely adore awesome puns.  Oh, and alliteration as well.  

Geez, Chrissy.  Quite a long post for Part 1.
“Ramble, much?”

-King of My Thingportants (and as you'll learn in Part 2, Self-Doubt), aka, DTL

"If You Really Knew Me" - Series Introduction

I've got a lot of explaining to do.

Well, I don't HAVE to.  I'd like to.

I've been avoiding some people lately.  Loved ones have been asking perfectly legitimate questions such as, "So...what are you up to these days?" and "Have you been interviewing for a teaching position?"  or "Will you be teaching at a school this fall?"

It's not that I don't know how to respond.  Or what to say.
It's just... a really long story.

And so, this series was born.

  I decided to write this "series" of blog posts in order to fill you in.  Pull you back into the loop.  Get you up to speed. More importantly, to use my keyboard as a vehicle for my search for understanding and balance. Simple enough, right?

DISCLAIMER:

I ask that you please read this series with an open mind and heart.  I'm thrusting this information out into the universe because that's how I tend to cope.  My heart seems to be permanently sewn to my sleeve, and I have no qualms about sharing this information.  Rephrase:  Sharing this information NOW.  The past was a different story...

"If You Really Knew Me..."

I've recently gotten sucked into a new MtV reality show (I know...shocker...) called, "If You Really Knew Me."   Each episode features a different high school that goes through the process of what's called "Challenge Day."  Read about it here..it's pretty amazing.  Anyway, small groups of students who don't really know each other take turns explaining the challenges they face in life by using the sentence starter, "If you really knew me..."  The Challenge Day leaders do an excellent job of creating a safe environment for the students to open up, talk about their home lives, insecurities, hardships, etc.

 Photo credit: Zach Cordner

(http://www.challengeday.org/challenge-day-program.php)

The moral of the story?  At the end of Challenge Day, the students leave with a greater sense of community, and an awareness that they are not alone in their struggles.  Classmates from different social groups and cliques might be going through some of the same day-to-day hardships as they are.  Which inspires them to go out into the school community and "Be the change." 

Challenge Day reminds me of a retreat I attended my senior year of high school called Kairos.  (Here's a quick explanation.)  This particular retreat was religion-based, and lasted 3 days instead of one.  I walked away with many of the same insights as the students do after participating in Challenge Day.  We even had our own equivalent to "Be the change."  Ours was, "Live the fourth."  Since Kairos was three days long, we were reminded to live the fourth day, and each day after, in the same respect as we did during the retreat; without judgment, with an open mind and heart, etc."

My Kairos retreat group - Resurrection High School seniors, class of 1996

"LIVE THE FOURTH!"

After watching my first episode of the MtV show, I got the idea to possibly refer to it in a future blog.  After reading a TVGuide.com interview about the show, I decided to write this blog series.  Here's a snippet that inspired me:

TVGuide.com: 

"What's the biggest thing you took away from this experience?"

Challenge Day Student: 

"To remember you don't know what type of home somebody comes from. It's human nature to judge somebody and it's up to you whether you hold that person accountable for the judgment that you're going to be making because more often than not they're false accusations. You don't know what kind of morning they had, you don't know what kind of night they had. You don't know how their family has raised them or how their friends treat them, you don't know anything about them except for their outer appearance. So that motivated me to get to know people better ... What it is that they're going through in their lives and just let them know that I'm there for them."

TVGuide.com: 

"What gave you the power to be able to share your story?:

Challenge Day Student:

"When other people open up, it gets a lot easier for you to open up. The people who were running Challenge Day shared a lot, which was really cool because they went through things I couldn't even imagine having to go through in my life. So that struck a little bit of motivation to show that it's OK. Before we started sharing about ourselves, they did techniques to break down the walls and get everyone to loosen up and start bonding with each other. As soon as we sat down and it came time to sharing, it just took that one person to step forward and take a bit of courage to go first and the feeling just felt natural."

My step forward

I realize that I have not gone through in the past, and am not currently going through, such devastating events as some of these high school students.  Or even as some of my friends or my family members.  I have a wonderful life filled with supportive, loving people.  Please know that I do not want to discredit this fact one bit.

I struggle sometimes, however, like we all do, and in order to work through it, I'd like to take a small step forward now and provide a quick glimpse into what I'll be writing about in this series.  Also, I'm doing this for my new mentee -- a beautiful high school sophomore who is a fantastic student.  She needs me to be there for her and to support her over the next three years to keep her on track for college.  I simply want to be honest about myself right now and take steps to REALLY being okay with who I am and how I operate.   I want to show her that I am there for her completely.  100%.  So here goes...

If you really knew me...

... you'd know that I've been struggling with a major bout of paralyzing anxiety and depression since December, 2009.

 ... you'd know that I haven't finished my school work from Fall, 2009.  Getting there -- but not quite.

... you'd know that I'm putting off teaching for a year.  I'm currently interviewing for a full-time nanny position.

... you'd know that I'm taking this year to enjoy my relationship with my wonderful husband, and to spend some much-needed quality time with him before I dive into my first year of teaching.

...you'd know that perfectionism completely overtakes me -- to the point of not wanting to get out of bed some mornings.

...you'd know that I procrastinate and avoid things because I feel like I am not good enough.

...you'd know that after a recent extensive psychological and learning disability evaluation, I was officially diagnosed with:
1. Generalized Anxiety Disorder
2. Learning Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Mixed Type
3. ADHD, Combined Type.

...you'd know that I am working with a therapist on cognitive behavior therapy, and I am starting to feel much better!  

...you'd know that my husband is the most supportive, genuine, loving and caring person I have ever met.

...you'd know that I am going to be okay.

This tumbling leaf of mine...

Whew.  It feels good to exhale after typing all of that.  Well.  I created Denver's Tumbling Leaf for this exact reason.  If you're not familiar with my general platform, take a look at my description on the left.  Through this series (and beyond), I intend to elaborate on my journey of moving to Colorado and discovering who I am.  I'll reflect on my twists and turns, tumbles and fumbles, and share a bit more about the ups and downs that have gotten me to where I am right now.  Oh, and oops!  I forgot a few...

If you really knew me...

...you'd know that I hope you'll join me on my journey!

...you'd know that I truly value each and every one of you, and appreciate your support

...you'd know that this series is not just all about me.  It's a process of getting to know myself, so I can be inspired and motivated to get to know YOU better.  I sure hope you don't mind.

Stay tuned for "If You Really Knew Me" Part 1 - Sweet Home...

With love and gratitude,

-DTL