A Stumble of Faith

Tonight I took a huge leap of faith.

I have been majorly putting off some work lately, out of sheer fear.  I finally bit the bullet and miraculously moved forward a bit.  I didn't take a graceful leap, or a execute a flawless swan dive.  I kinda slipped, stumbled, tumbled, and then...PLOP.

I belly flopped, more like it, into frigid waters.  I'm hoping it will pay off in the end though, and I end up making it to the warm, sunny shore. You know, before I drown.

Well, I desperately need a tan anyway, so it's time to bask in the glow of success.  My floaties have come off, and now it's sink or swim time.

-DTL

Friday Fumblings, Vol. 1 - The Dawn of "Thingportant" Dumping

By the end of each week, my brain is usually brimming with bits and pieces of snazzy blog ideas, detailed first-hand encounters, and a few not-very-exciting thingportants.

(Importings?  Nope.  Don't like the sound of that.)

They are simply not very exciting, yet important, things.

They are officially my "Thingportants."

  
I thought I'd dedicate Fridays to posting a list of said ideas, encounters and thingportants, in an attempt to clear my head.  Also, I'm going to use Friday Fumblings as an exercise in "letting go."  If a blog idea doesn't come to fruition, so be it.  If my spelling and grammar stink, so be it.  If it doesn't make sense to my readers, so be it.  And so on.

Might sound simple to some, but to me, letting go (of anything!) is not an easy feat.  So bear with me, k?

...And let the brain dumping begin!

FRIDAY FUMBLINGS, Vol. 1

 1. Our big huge pansy of a dog, Tucker

Both Mark and I are at our wit's end with good 'ole Tuxter.  Tuckie.  Buddy.  Bud Bud.  Tuck Tuck.  Yuck, yuck!  Over the past week he has:  Chewed up my camel colored sexy heels.  Drooled on anything and everything in our house, including our floors, carpets, couches, everything in our closets, on Mark's sleeping bag, etc.  He's woken us up in the middle of the night about 4 out of the 7 days this week.  He threw up on the leather couch that we JUST had fixed because he ate a hole in it.  And he attacked a dog at the dog park.  I'm forgetting some incidents, I'm sure, but it's been really exhausting.  He's such an anxious boy, and when I'm anxious, he's even worse.  Which has been a lot lately.  And the rain and thunder has NOT helped his case one bit.  Ugh.

2. My battle with the vacuum cleaner
It attacked me in the middle of the night a few nights ago.  Well...actually, I left it in the middle of the floor in our bedroom so I would remember to actually USE it the next day.  Anyway, I got up at 3 a.m. to use the bathroom, fumbled around in the dark and ran smack dab into it.  WHAP!  Ouch...

3. Testing, testing, 1...2...
Over the past few months, I've been working with Lifelong Adult Education Services to figure some "life" things out.  I've been taking a series of psychological and academic assessments so I can have official, documented information about me, my brain, my past, my present, and...you guessed it...it is, indeed, LIFELONG...my future.  Yesterday, Mark and I went to my results meeting.  More on this later.  Haven't received the official report yet, but from the therapist discussed with us in the meeting, some form of "anxiety disorder" label is likely to appear in the findings.  Again, will elaborate when I'm good and ready.  Right now I'm not exactly "good" OR "ready."  So stay tuned.

4. Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty
Some of you may already know about the cat attack that ensued a few years back.  If you read through the old posts, you might think that to this day, I despise cats, or at least fear them.  I'm happy to report that cats now hold a special place in my heart, thanks to Pie Pie and Cho Cho -- the two wonderful kitties that live with the girl who I nanny for.  I think it helps that for whatever reason, they love being around me, and love to snuggle with me.  Either way, I no longer think that ALL cats convene in an underground lair to plot the earth's demise. 

5. Denver marathon relay coming up in about a month -- not ready at all!

6.  Anxiously (shocker) waiting to hear about next steps in the interview process for a school that I have been pursuing.

7. Applied to be a mentor for a high school student.
Very excited about my mentor interview next week!  Check out Byrne Urban Scholars for info on the organization -- it's wonderful!

8. Excited about my upcoming Chicago trip over Mother's Day weekend!
Can't wait to attend Logan's Bar Mitzvah, and spend time with Pamela, Will, Logan and Eli.

Oh, and Michelle, Gretchen, Katy and Marilyn, too!   Not happy that my own mother will be out of town that weekend though...  :-(


9. I miss my family  :-(

10. Feeling awful that I have yet to "officially" thank Jess for taking Jill and I out to dinner and for drinks a while ago. 
Have had plans to do it, but they haven't come to fruition yet.  Blech.

11. SCHOOL.  Finishing.  Working.  Updating.  Committing.  Moving forward.
This one is last, because it's the MOST important, most complicated, and produces the most anxiety for me. 

My hands shook as I typed #11...and now I think I will go puke.

On that note, have a wonderful weekend!  Thanks for reading!
-DTL

In Jeopardy

“I’ll take Bellyache’n for $200, Alex.”

Chrissy, the answer is: Bubbles, cramps, a bad feeling in the pit, bitters and soda, and peppermint tea.

“What are…things that can be found in my stomach?”

Correct! You won the Daily (Dilemma) Double!

I have been nauseous and sick to my stomach for most of the day today. I even took a three hour nap, but it didn’t help to soothe the nausea. I’m not sure if I’m coming down with a stomach bug, or if stress and worry are simply getting the best of me. Either way, this dilemma can’t be solved as easily as a game show question in a creatively crafted category. On television, there is only one concrete answer. My tummy woes, I’m very sure of it, are much more complicated.

I’m sitting at St. Mark’s Café on 17th, trying to finish some work that I’ve inevitably been putting off. I’m double- fisting an iced peppermint tea and tall glass of bitters and soda (kindly provided by the accommodating barista) to help me calm the storm. My work? I postponed it a tad bit longer in order to write this post. I see it as a double-dose of effort to soothe the sourness.

Even if the bitters do work tonight, and the tea helps distinguish the bubbling ache, I will still be stuck with the following debilitating dilemma to sort through and deal with:

How long can I continue to be a successful contestant, if I can’t complete the category and move on to the next round?

Will I be left with any winnings to wager for final jeopardy? I’m tempted to travel back in time to the set of Double Dare to see how it all plays out.

My mind, as you’ll find, has had a chance to unwind.
My stomach though, remains tied in knots.
My future, I’m afraid, is in jeopardy.
My potential and passion, however, are not.

-DTL

Anomia Annoy-a-Me

Anomia: A problem with word finding.  Impaired recalling of words with no impairment of comprehension or the capacity to repeat the words.  Also known as anomic aphysia.

Aphasia: One in a group of speech disorders in which there is a defect or loss of the power of expression by speech, writing, or signs, or a defect or loss of the power of comprehension of spoken or written language. 

I have recently learned that anomia is common in adults with learning disabilities.  It's a fancy word for "I know what I want to say, but my mind is blank."  It goes beyond simply forgetting a word here or there.  It actually happens to me so often that it literally makes my brain feel like it just ran a marathon (wouldn't THAT be interesting!)  It induces paralyzing anxiety for me, and messes with my self-confidence.  Sure, it annoys me, but it also makes me worried and fearful.  

Anomia stinks.  Worse than amonia...

Anomia keeps me up until 1 a.m. the night before my first teaching job interview.  Anomia, you own me.  But some day I will own YA.

-DTL